I recently responded to a post that allowed me to look back at my past loves. I have had the pleasure to experience love in many forms. I have always been hard wired for a long term relationship. That is not to say that I have not wondered from the traditional. The journey of life leads us along many different paths and I have had the pleasure of experiencing many. I take with me the wisdom my experiences have given me.
When I was younger I confused by love and my sexuality. Coming from a strict Catholic family I was taught to shun my gay sexuality. I dated girls and broke many hearts as I could not commit to the relationships knowing deep down I yearned for a man to share my life with. I could not live a life that was a lie to both me and the one I was to share my life with. So I wandered; not really looking for love but living life as I could while embracing my past. In my late twenties I had a talk with my mother that was transitional in my life. She said to stop worrying about how other feel and live your life as you. Find yourself and live your life as that person. It was a defining moment that I have carried with me always. I started dating men.
I looked for love in the gay scene in the eighties. Bars, nightclubs. and the sort. The men were only looking for one thing….sex. I wanted more. A deep bond that I would carry with me through my life. In that bond would be love, sharing, friendship and truth. So I stopped looking. I concentrated on my career and my life around me. It was then that I found my first love in my neighbor. It was awakening. I was attracted to his love for life. He was a person that filled everyday with wondrous events; looking at each day as a new beginning. We were as one. Sharing loving and experiencing our life together. He was my soulmate. But alas, it was the eighties and we were gay men. AIDS took my first lover on July 20, 1991.
I wandered for a while stunned by my loss. I found several lovers but none compared to my first. It was when I stopped looking for a love that would rival my first love that I found my second. My realization came. I needed to look for love in my life as I was living it. In places where I enjoyed life. I found my second love on a bike ride. He became my friend first and lover second. It was a relationship of a new type. We shared everything. My best friend as lover. It was a godsend. We had many nights of long talks, days of exciting experiences, afternoons of love. The days grew into a rich relationship that I hope every person has the chance to experience. Yet it was to be short lived. He left this life after only knowing him for three short years. He had a heart attack in his mid forties.
I now had lost two loves and thought I would live my life in the rich memories of the past. I would journey down my path in life alone. I took with me the experiences of the past and found new interests and relationships in friends and family. But as I have said I am hard wired for long term relationships. My third love found me. He contacted me by email through a gay website. Not really what I had expected. As you have said these sites are filled with men looking for hookups. But I saw in this man something else. We have been together ever since. I saw in him a bit of myself. That need to share my experiences with another. To grow with one another. He is my friend and lover. I found in him something that I was not looking for and he has made my life complete.
I say to you live your life and don’t look for love. It will find you. Even when you give up on love it finds you in the most unexpected way. Live each moment and revel in your friends and experiences. Your love will be the man that enjoys your life as much as you do. You will find him on your journey through life on a path that you have chosen. Choose paths that you love and the people along them will be those that enjoy the things that bring you pleasure. Love is there. Let it find you.